everything happens for a reason.... right?

So... I've been kindda disappeared lately.. I haven't felt like blogging......or going out or eating or painting or sewing or talking or......... anything... I'm just plain sad and hopeless.

3 o 4 months ago I saw this contest "Jovenes Creadores" (www.esne.es); it's from a Spanish School. The ones who entered had to send a minimum of 3 art pieces about the career you wanted to apply to.. architecture, interior design, graphic design and fashion design. Of course I applied to the last one, I worked really hard to develop my 4 art pieces, I sent them from Mexico to Spain, called them at 3 a.m. to see if everything arrived OK and just waited and waited and waited for the final decision.

Days went by.. Last Friday the winners were published on the web page... I was already up from 2.24 a.m... I knew it was like 11.00 a.m. on Spain so they must already picked the winners... I refreshed every half hour the web page until I saw it...

Architecture:
#1
#2
#3

Interior Design:
#1
#2
#3

and so on... until Fashion Design winners were posted....

#1 - No winner (WHAT? O_o)
#2 - Bertha something
#3 - Ivette (GULP!) Mancilla................................................

are you effing kidding me!??
I couldn't believe it.. I won 3rd place... is this awesome or what?!
I really couldn't believe it.. I must have some sort of talent in this matter.. right?!

anyway... the 3rd place gets a 25% scholarship for the Fashion Design and Textiles career at the Spanish University.. Camilo Jose Cela in Madrid, Spain.
I knew I was going back to Spain! I always knew I'd be back!

All this incredible news, which could have been the happiest I've received in a very very long time were blown away in a second... why?... here are the reasons:

1. In November I was diagnosed with a ... very ugly... disease.. since then I've been fighting it and getting a really crappy treatment. I'm better now, but still on pills. I finish my treatment this month, BUT my parents don't want me to leave now, they think I could still be vulnerable.
2. Even though the scholarship's a great help, there's a lot of money involved and so little time to get it.. the expenses are not only from school but the trip to Spain, getting a place to live, food and public transportation once I'm there, a lot of paperwork in here that costs more than I thought, changing my insurance system into international mode which obviously costs more..etc... I guess you can say that reason number 2 is a financial matter.
3. TIME. School starts this October and I have to reserve my place by TOMORROW. I have no visa, no international insurance, no money, no plane ticket... not even my parents support.
4. My parents think "Fashion Design" is a waste of time and that I should stick to what I graduated from.. Marketing Administration. "Something serious", they say.

Is life a bitch or what?

Why did I win if I was never going to be able to go there?

Why now?

I guess I shouldn't have entered...
it's not like I'll get the chance to win again... nobody wins the lottery 2 times...
I must be Destiny's private joke or something.

And all this comes just when I thought I was getting into a better phase in my life, finishing my treatment, looking for a Fashion School in San Diego, L.A. or Guadalajara; thinking my parents supported my passion for this "Fashion Stuff" as they call it. But it was all a lie, a dream, a glimpse of something I'll never get.

All my friends are telling me... "Everything happens for a reason"....
Well.. if you ever find that reason, please let me know.