If you've seen my illustrations, if you've read my poems, if you've seen my blog... you may know by now I am a person that "feels" too much... I never figured out if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I definitely don't think I want it... not anymore.
A lot of times I've told people "you should live in the present", "enjoy the moment", "don't look back into the past, don't freak out about the future, just live in the NOW"... and so and so.. but do I follow my own advice?... I wish I did.
The truth is, I cannot master the art of living in the present moment; I still live too much in the past, sometimes I even think I'm living more inside my memories than in reality. And also; when I'm not in the past, I travel to the future and start worrying about what I'll be doing... where will I be working? where will I live? will I get married? will I end up a spinster? will I get what I want?... and many more thoughts and paradigms that stress me out..a lot!
Do you have any idea of what I mean?
Do you have a solution?
Sometimes I wish I could just focus on the minute I am living... sometimes I wish I could block thoughts and pains... would that be a wrong way to live?... can a person do well by not planning for the future? can a person do well by forgetting the past and by that I also mean forgetting past mistakes? ...If you forget a mistake, you might be caught in a situation of doing it again (not learning from it)... if you don't plan for the future, you might end up loosing opportunities... I smell a dilemma here.
I know, I know... "you should find a balance between all things"... but I can't... I've never been a balanced person...I'm bipolar, I'm dramatic, I over react, I explode, I have drastic mood swings, I go to the extremes...that's just me.... should I change who I truly am just to find some sanity?... I'm afraid that if I give into that "transformation" I might lose my essence, my artistic skills, my wacky thoughts, my unstoppable and almost palpable "feelings"... but then again..
I want so much to stop caring about the one that broke my heart,
I want so much to get over him,
I want so much to stop worrying about my future love life (which seems non existent in all scenarios),
I want so much to stop trying to make my impossible dreams happen,
I want so much to lose weight (I've been dieting all my life),
I want to much this need to exercise daily for hours and hours,
I want so much to stop caring about my physical appearance,
I want so much to accept my body,
I want so much to be a successful artist,
I want so much to make my parents proud,
I want so much to make my sisters proud,
I want so much to be left alone,
I want so much to be loved,
I want so much to find peace,
I want so much to find that place I can call "home",
I want so much to not care,
I want so much to live a day at a time,
I want so much to enjoy my life (but apparently I can't)
I want, I want, I want...
All these thoughts run in circles inside my head from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I fall deeply asleep... (no wonder I'm stressed), I can only feel safe when I'm asleep... sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up... would make things easier you know...
...but I keep trying... everyday I keep trying...