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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

I knew

(image via leprintemps)

Literally, me..a week ago... 
I turned on a cigarette, and I knew it, just then...


(image via tumblr)

Sunday, October 26, 2014

how to

(image via tumblr)


writer's block: the not-so-virgin suicide

A friend just texted me "say yes to love"...

Last time I said "yes" to love,
it almost killed me,
literally, almost killed me..
and what stopped it, was me...
my coward self...
i'm a failure even at putting an end to my life...

Thoughts on suicide?
I think suicide is a very personal and valid choice.
While some people may find it implicitly wrong,
others find it to be the only way out.
I think it's the same about all things in life,
some hate pineapple, others love it;
some hate winter, others love it;
some like boys, others like girls...
we're all different,
with different opinions and views on things;
I'm from the bunch of people that think suicide is a choice,
a very reasonable choice when in spite of all efforts, you just can't see the light...

I think there are people that just don't fit in,
people that never find themselves,
people that live depressed for years...
what's the point of living such empty and sad life?... why stretch it?
why delay death?...when it will eventually come any day anyway, right?
Sometimes you just can't take it anymore,
and if one is owner of it's own life, one can do whatever he/she pleases with it,
even if it means pulling off the plug...

Don't get me wrong,
I'm better now,
I'm not committing suicide,
I just got on a debate about it with some people and thought about sharing the topic with you guys,
do you approve it or not?
Perhaps the only people that approve it might be the ones that once contemplated the idea,
the ones that have felt such infinite amount of pain,
the ones that in their hearts KNOW that this world might not be suited for them.

“After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone.”
-Larry Brown

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

do you believe in signs?

I just came back from a long beach walk.
I've been inside all day since my morning yoga practice ended because the rain had been pouring until a couple of hours ago; so of course, I went to the beach.
If you've read my latest posts, you probably know that I'm no longer feeling like I want to be here; I'm always sad about my love life, depressed about not knowing who I am or what I want to be; basically I just don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life.

I went outside with the intention to think.
Think about what I want, what I need, what I dream of... but most importantly, to meditate about the idea of leaving beautiful Playa del Carmen.
As I walked from "Shangri-la" beach to "Mamitas"; I found a sand sculpture. There was no one around; I don't know who did it and I've never ever encountered anything like this in the 2 years I've been living here.
I found a mermaid made of sand, holding super tight to the land. I can almost see her with eyes closed, even some tears. I stared at it for 5 minutes; I felt something.

I'm obsessed with mermaids, I "consider" myself one; I know, it's silly, but I do, I have been super connected to this mythological creature my entire life. My friends call me "sirena" (which means mermaid), and I draw them all the time, and well.... all that jazz... I dig them. So of course, I felt that this sand sculpture was meant for me to see.

Is it a sign?
Is she holding so tight to the land because she doesn't want to let go?
I think I found my answer.
I think I need to stay here a bit longer... for some reason, I just felt it all over my body; I have to stay. Something's coming, something's going to happen here if I stay... she's telling me to hold on, to be patient, to wait... here.

Do you believe in signs?

Monday, October 20, 2014

drawing room: sundays

what is it about Sundays that I always feel depressed?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

sunny side up

I need my vitamin sea... I need it almost daily.
I've realized that, without it... I wouldn't be able to hold myself,
I wouldn't be able to put myself together so easily.

And all though I love the sun, the sand, the beach...
this place... is starting to get old on me,
maybe it is the people (insane tourism!),
maybe it is the vibe,
maybe it is me, as it usually is...
I'm not a stranger anymore,
I've made friends here, lots of them,
my life has turned into a routine again,
I've become "known" again,
I'm expected to attend meetings or birthdays or random dinner dates with friends...
I don't like commitment or social life that much,
I liked being a lonely soul like when I first got here...
and though I cherish my new friends here (I could call them family),
I'm starting to feel trapped again,
I'm no longer alone, and that scares me, actually,
it suffocates me...
I don't like people to expect things from me.
I like to be on my own....

I think I need a new place to call home,
I need a new adventure,
I need a new country to explore,
I need a new language to learn,
I need a new crowd.

I love the Caribbean,
Playa del Carmen and Tulum have been wonderful to me...
but I'm thinking it is time to move on...
I'm thinking Hawai, Bali, India, Tanger....
as long as there is sun, sand and beach, I'll be fine,
I'll be fine in deed.


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