"For women who are tied to the moon, love alone is not enough. We insist each day wrap it’s knuckles through our heart strings and pull. The lows. The joy. The poetry. We dance at the edge of a cliff, you have fallen off. So it goes. You will climb up again.
You rare girl, once again, you have a body that belongs to no lover, to no father, belongs to no one but you. Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm. Like a shawl to keep you warm at night. Don’t mourn the love that is lost to you now. It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse. Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body.
You loved a man who treated you like absinthe, half poison and half god. He tried to sweeten you, to water you down. So you left. And now you have your heart all to yourself again. A heart like a stone cottage. Heart like a lover’s diary. Hope like an ocean."
-Letter From Anais Nin to Clementine von Radics (After Marty McConnel)
I don't mean I make my way through bars kissing all the girls that come across me, but I do tell men that I'm gay, or in a relationship, or married... but mostly I tell them I'm gay.
Why do I do that?
The same reason why I stopped wearing make-up.
The same reason why I decided to shave one side of my head more than a year ago.
The same reason why I love wearing trends and outfits I KNOW men hate.
The same reason why I refuse to go out for drinks at night "in search" of cute guys with my girl friends.
...I don't want anything to do with them.
I just don't want my heart to get broken again.
I'm not interested in building a new relationship.
I've decided to live in my comfort zone of independence, single and unattached from love and commitment.
Is that so bad?
Have I developed a trauma? a syndrome?
As soon as one guy that I happen to find interesting shows interest in me as well I freak out, I run, I abort mission!.... I don't want that temptation on my hands again.
I don't want to feel again.
I don't need more pain nor tears.
I already gave away my heart to someone else long time ago anyway...so what could I possibly offer now?
No, I won't... I can't get emotionally involved again.
Wearing baggy clothes, a clean and make-up free face and proclaiming to be gay is my shield.
That's how I protect myself, that's how I avoid love.... I already suffered my share of that venom.
Do you have any shields and fortresses against love too?
..or are you adventurous and fall in love as much as you can?...if so, teach me how to survive that fall, please.